The More I Missed, The More I Made..
I am overcoming a lot of my fears by directly putting myself in public positions to have to talk about how hearing loss and being deaf has affected my life. As a college professor (yep, for 14.5 years now) I have to be in front of a lot people each and everyday. I have to be more direct with my students and colleagues by telling them how I feel and what I need from them. By being honest about who I am and what I am missing, the feelings of compassion and empathy become mutual. This helps both parties make an emotional connection that I feel is necessary in education. (I believe this will play a huge role in the future of education.) Often I have to ask people to repeat themselves, or to speak slower, or louder. I answer incorrectly to questions often and everyone laughs or looks at me with a priceless look of confusion. These two things always make me laugh as it always creates a connection and reminds me to take myself lighter. Almost as if, that is where I begin to know someone, because they would now know me as I am. I need to be more honest and forward about why. It is my responsibility to make people aware of what and how much I am missing. It is natural to seek deeper meaning out of yourself and how that applies to the world around you. This is how we grow, through self-discovery as we interpret ourselves in relationship to our time here on this planet. However, I have learned the hard way that it can slip away all too fast if we are hiding from ourselves. Hiding seems to perpetuate more hiding. I often wonder how many other people with sever hear loss and deafness are out there doing what I used to do?
As an artist, I have had an epiphany about my work recently throughout this healing and fear facing process (and I continue to do so). Maybe you are already familiar with my work but most likely not. I have been a high volume output kind of artist for my whole life. Always making many many things at once in an immediate sort of way. Volume and production, productions in volumes and accumulation. Ah what a metaphor, right under my nose no less! By connecting my physical limitations of hearing to the question, “Why do I make so much stuff?” “Why have I put the emphasis on physical output and high volumes of works produced?” It’s about filling in the fear and deficit of how much I have been missing and have missed in this world. Overcompensation. I was missing a lot from early childhood, and as time went on, the more I was not hearing the more art I would make. Production and Volume = Missing. The funny part is, most of the art that I make and have made is not dark or representative of frustration as a whole. It does not communicate unhappiness, but I do see a huge common thread of a lack of meaning in some of these pre-hearing and deafness aware bodies of work. The context has changed and this plays a huge role in the kind of work that I greatly need and want to produce. I will work on understanding where the new works will best be displayed and presented. The best is really yet to come.
The animations above continue to explore the soundless looping GIF format. These pieces begin as digital image fractures and manipulations. They are re-composed and organized as new imagery and content. How does that process play a role in communication? Missing 5-8 words in any sentence can have a profound effect on how one may respond, comprehend or take away from an interaction. What does this look like when that actual missing fragment(s) takes place? Repetition is used to display the distortions and metaphors for how this experience may be interpreted visually. If you are a hearing person viewing these animations you may be “missing” the usual audio aspect to the videos you see, watch and hear each day.
G R A F F I T I – Contexts
Exhibition Simulation of Missed Communication
“Unraveling & Integrating 40 years of Missed Communication”
This is a “Simulated Proposal” of a new Exhibition that I would very much like to mount. If you are interested in further information please contact me directly via e-mail – ryan (at) ryanseslow.com
Six (or more) large flat screen video monitors hang both vertically and horizontally to create an integrated and balanced pattern on the wall. The art consists of new static digital collage works, animated gifs and motion graphics that produce a multi-channel series of narratives. The various mediums illustrate the narratives about pretending, hiding and being in denial about my severe hearing loss and deafness over the last 40 years. The works examine various aspects of the title itself: “Unraveling & Integrating 40 Years of Missed Communication”.
The exhibition space will also have 1-2 free standing computers on pedestals for visitors to access and use. The exhibition simultaneously is supported by a desktop and mobile website where the show also functions in fragments with individual stories that explain each piece further. Visitors can interact with the content in both exhibitions by sharing their own stories, leaving comments, creating dialogs and or adding to the art works and joining the exhibition.
*This idea is in development. More coming soon.
Further Reading and Supporting Resources from previously published content can be found by clicking here.
Graffiti Finger Spell Glitch
The Final Push, Spring 2018 Semester
Another semester winding down, the final last two weeks in place. The last push. The last run. This new #animation is a #metaphor – we as #teachers are cued into grading and assessment mode. This is a crucial time to exercise compassion, understanding and be there even more for our students. To help each other make better decisions so that they can be retained and reapplied.
Be that teacher that is available and present with a light heart and the selflessness to be in service to others.
Good luck everyone!
“The Attempted Recomposition of a Synthetic Auditory Miscommunication” is an Illustration and Animated GIF series of new work examining my identity as a Deaf and Hard of Hearing person. In a previous post two days ago I began a long over due process of sharing and expressing who I have always been. The response has blown me away. The support and compassion has been incredible, and for the first time I felt at home and welcomed into a community I have always been a part of. As we know, the human ego is a tough nut to crack. It is a process, and certainly takes time to realize when oneself is acting from the perspective of it. I did, for 30 plus years! Im really grateful for the response, support and the new friends I am quickly making! I walk a fine line between the hearing world and the non-hearing world. With hearing aids I can synthetically “hear” about 50% -ish of what a person with “normal” hearing, hears. However, this statement does not translate well into noisy environments when and where multiple conversations are going on, the regular sounds of life, cars and planes, construction and sirens. Ooof. When these factors join the conversation, that 50% dwindles down to much less and I become co-dependent on lip reading, facial expressions, body language and my own overcompensated intuitive energy reading abilities. Im thankfully learning ASL now, which is also long overdue. I would say that I have avoided learning ASL for over 30 years because my perception was that if I did, there would be no turning back and I would have to forever face my biggest fear of being of being deaf and hard of hearing in the world. Even though in my heart, I knew that it would become my greatest asset. There is much more to this long story and I will share through my art works and posts here forward.
About the works:
Version 1 – The animated GIF: Animated GIFs are soundless. The GIF file format itself is a soundless entity. This is an objective and specific reason for WHY I create so many GIFs. (you can see more on my profile over at Giphy.com – ryanseslow) With GIFs you are dependent on your vision and visual literacy to follow, connect and interpret the moving image. The background image is an inner ear medical diagram taken from a public domain image resource on the Internet. The public domain represents creative commons fair use access to various types of content that can be re-used, shared and depending on your intention, repurposed for contextual forms of communication. I used the inner ear diagram and altered it to visually look jumbled, manipulated and no longer completely understandable. Perhaps there is just enough information in the image to follow along, but ultimately the image becomes confusing and difficult to fully understand. This is a visual metaphor for the loss and missing of words and sound. Two tired hearing aids appear representing the ongoing exhaustive process of trying to follow words and sounds, make sense of them and direct a response. Often my responses are wrong to questions that I am asked. I have to witness the reactions and perplexed looks of the person or persons also trying to process if they misunderstood my misunderstanding. The hearing aid batteries rise like a mountain. The endless sea of batteries. The #10 battery size. Four per week, 16-18 per month, 220 – ish per year (yes, I drop them easily and cant see them when I do, haha! They are so small) 28-ish years of this process exceeding over 6,000 batteries placed in and out of my skull. (Whoa, never did this calculation before outside of my own head) The constant awareness of “time” as a result of “when that battery will run out of power”. The psychology and physiological effect of this overall awareness itself is a lot of information. This is me. I LOVE every bit of me, but often, I am missing a lot. The GIF is simply one iteration to help express it.
Version 2 – The static illustration (static image) – The image follows the same description as read above. The exception is in the “concealed identity” of the hearing aids. This represents who I was a short time ago, the years of trying to blend in as a hearing person with the “secret” and “small” hearing aids that I pretended no one could see. I wish I could have taken a photo of each person who over time begins to notice that I wear hearing aids. the reaction on their faces, the moment of perplexed stillness and quick attempt to also pretend they did not notice when we lock eyes. This reaction is my responsibility. It is a direct reflection of the situation itself. This experience has happened hundreds of times, and only once or twice in 30 years did someone actually ask, Ryan, are you deaf or hard of hearing?
Thankfully, this will never have to happen again because SHARING NOW! :)))
With gratitude and openness I am asking myself a lot of questions as this process and body of work evolves. How may I be of service to help bridge the world between those who also have or have had a similar experience? How can I help bridge the gap between the deaf, hard of hearing and hearing world through art and one’s creative potential to do so? How can I apply my experiences to be a positive instrument of deeper understanding and communication?
More to come. Feel free to reach out.
The Transportation of Communication
Dear Common Community,
I have lived between both of these realities for my whole life. With out hearing aids I do not hear any sound, with them I can hear about 50% of what a normal person may hear. Though my level of loss is degenerative, and aging plays a role, the next 20 years should be interesting :)) Most of my life has been spent pretending “I was not deaf and hard of hearing”. Too many years have gone by. Its time to take responsibility for this. Share and tell my story and hopefully use it as a tool to connect and help others who also know this space too well.
This animated #gif has been created to illustrate the endless stop and go like cycle and struggle of trying to hear and overcompensate for the what I am not hearing part. An animated GIF works perfectly to display the infinite loop of daily occurrence. Plus, animated GIFs are soundless. The sleepy eyes of the tired hearing aid reveals its face…It is exhausting and often difficult to manage the emotions that go along with this cycle in real-time. You probably have never noticed this before. I have thought over and over and long and hard about how this series of works should start. Im done with that and jumping in. Images were taken and re-rendered from the public domain. This is a #metaphor – can you understand why I did that? #communication is everything when you are missing more than half of all the sounds in your day to day reality.
Much more to come. Feel free to ask me any questions.
Met Museum Metaphoric Glitch